The Car Diaries: Part 1

Recently I made a decision that has caused me great anxiety ever since I did it. I don't know if this means it was a bad decision, or just the type of decision I never thought I would make. It's the kind of decision that can't really be undone, which makes me even more nervous. Now before you go thinking I did something scandalous, let me just say what it was: I bought a car. That's what I did. And let's just say it is not as happy of a feeling as I imagined it would be.

I'm the type of person that really thinks things out before I decide to do anything. I guess I'm kind of a perfectionist when it comes to making decisions, which is pretty much the stupidest thing when you think about it. Because what decision will ever be perfect? The answer is no decision. There will always, always, ALWAYS be pros and cons. This fact does not please me. Somehow I still think sometimes that if I just think enough/pray enough/research enough/consult enough, then I will magically become exempt from this fact of life and experience the honor of making the perfect decision.

False. All of it. Even though I hate to admit it.

But, sometimes, I rebel against myself. The crazy man inside my brain decides to revolt against the careful man who has been working so deliberately to do things just so and suddenly I just start doing things that the careful man thinks are absolutely insane. Let's explore some examples:

Exhibit A: Jumping off of a 40-foot cliff into a river. A RIVER. I didn't even know how deep it was. Getting a cantaloupe sized bruise on my thigh as my reward.

Exhibit B: Going off the trail and up a cliff while hiking, almost slipping, watching my life flash before my eyes, and then realizing that I just knocked a whole bunch of rocks down on a group of people and made some lady's leg bleed. I could have killed her!

Exhibit C: Whacking my brother on the head with a paddle while rafting with the family. Let's just say I was very upset.

It's oddly liberating in the beginning when you first start disregarding everything that the careful man is saying to you, but it never really lasts. There needs to be a balance. However, having said this, it's probably still a little bit good for me. Sometimes it's good to be overwhelmed with what it feels like to have made an undeniably stupid and ignorant mistake. It reminds you why you like making good decisions. Sometimes it feels refreshing to just do things and not think about it, to just make choices and not spend so much of life idling between options and never truly going anywhere.

Because even if the decision turns out to be a bad one, at least I did something. At least I took the shot.

Life isn't meant to be lived perfectly. For one, it's impossible, and for two, it would be intolerably boring because you wouldn't learn a thing. Sometimes you can murder life and all that's magic in it by dissecting it too thoroughly, by splitting it up into parts and judging some parts to be of greater value than others. But life is sacred, even in all its confusion. There is something beautiful in partaking of the madness as a whole.

And I'm trying not to forget that.

Magical tree I saw in England. If you hammer a coin in to its trunk, your wish will come true.